So, I am finally getting desperate enough to build my own space pod. I looked around the Internet and found most of the parts on eBay (quite a useful resource - as useful as can be anticipated on a planet where toilet paper is considered sanitary...eeww) Anyway, the hydrogenartic scrocks are the hardest part to acquire, but I think I can create the part myself out of paperclips, several small plastic tubes and plutonium - plus a special ingredient that I should not mention since it will contaminate the human knowledge base - ah, what the glarf - camel dung. You still won't be able to figure it out though. But even if you do, you will likely blow up your pathetic planet - no loss, just wait till I get off it before messing around.
The ship will likely take several Earth months - not due to my lack of skill or genius, but due to the frubby postal service and the dense sellers of these items who list their goods as "shipped fast" and still take a week to put it in the proper shipping receptacle. Bunch of glooberworts! They remind me of a friend I once had on Hectro Segundas who took too long returning a memory plate to its owner and ended up forfeiting half his left brain to make up for the delay - small print, you know how it is - well maybe not. I forget sometimes who I am speaking to. Anyway...
My space pod is going to be just adequate enough to get me to the nearest acceptable planetoid - Faria Vi (granted, they don't offer much in the way of plush accommodations, but at least the food doesn't constantly smell of Gnarffle fish - and they have a small - if limited - spaceport.) I can handle another couple of months here as long as I don't get any more of those droofing girl scouts coming to my residence trying to poison me with their egregiously unhealthy "cookies." The sellers seem to think that because they are smaller in size and slightly (emphasize "slightly") less repulsive in form and smell than their larger human counterparts that I should inevitably part with my easily stolen finances to procure their foul tasting goods. The ingredients of the Mint Thins would kill a large Vartioblat if ingested!
O.K. that was a slight overstatement, but honestly, it is a wonder that humankind has survived so long with the sheer lack of anything resembling nourishing food stuffs in the "grocery" distributors. The amount of harmful substances consumed by the average human monthly would do serious damage to most any corporeal species within several turns if introduced into the galactic purified food chain. Personally, I have had a really difficult time digesting anything this planet produces. No wonder the bathrooms all smell so foul (OH! and the "Air Fresheners" are nothing of the sort! I can't imagine anything being more poorly named). The prior chronicle could easily have been my last if I hadn't left the bathroom entry open. And don't get me started on the other side effects of your "food".
Two months.
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